A childhood epilogue

There’s a reason back in my path why its so important for me to be a good father for my son. Its about the things gone wrong, the things I yearning for as I was a children myself but never got. Its most about the father I didn´t have and the mother who never understand my thoughts.

The father I didn’t have

As I was young I loved my father with every fiber of my soul. He was intelligent, able to understand me, and he never inveighted me. He was soft, so I never have to fair he telling me what i´m not allowed to do, and that’s why I loved him and not my mother who somethings getting angry with me if I broke something for example. That this weakness "not being able to be steady" would be his curse later on I not realized at that age. As I was about 10 and gets interested in so many things I want to share with him and spending time with him, a very evil woman found him and use him like a toy. He knew that he´s going the wrong way, he knew hes not going to be happy that way, and on long sight losing his own childrens me and my brother, but he have had no power for withstand this. So I see him first once a weekend, once two weeks, once a month and later once a year and less. But all the time he say he plan visit us soon, spending time with us, and I believed him. Even after gets disappointed a hundert times, till I was adult my self and for the first time I understand what really happen. As child I try to show him what I do, my games, my thoughts want to have feedback from a person I respect and be able to understand me, but he only try to do something for his conscience, buy me some stuff and go away after one or maybe two hours. I going the way I go, whatever happened, but it was not nice to go it alone. I got a PC, I got a scanner and printer, all stuff I needed but I was willing to change everything just for real time with my father, what I never get.

After all I understand whats real important, and I never go to be like that for my son. I never can give him more attention then he deserves. I can buy to much stuff, or educate to soft, but time I never can spend to much with him.

My loved son Ryu

The mother who dosn´t unerstand me

My mother was not like my father. She was not so soft minded. But do you know how it feels if somebody just do like interested and understanding but is not able to really understand you? She not mean it bad, but it makes no difference for my feeling nobody understand me, if I tell her i find my old Toy car, or I tell her I find a way to improve the system performance of windows about 50%, or inviting some very cool new stuff, she say anyway just "SUPER! and do you come to breakfast now?" This was not the reason why i lost contact with her now, she was just not able to understand, I just write about this because its the explanation why I start doing so much all my self and learned to power this without feedback and understanding from others. Even if this feedback of people understand you and your work in this world is one of the greatest things you can get after love and friendship. But you have to be able to energy your self at least for a while.

So please, all of you outside there, spend as most time with your children's, wife, and friends as you can. This is what really fill your live with sense and pleasure.

Rayjunx